Apparently I needed a break.

I was fine. Until I wasn’t fine.
We had good timing in October, coinciding with our 18th wedding anniversary. And then I swear there was a smudge on a wondfo test. My temps were the highest they have been, my luteal phase was nice and long. I was really hopeful. And then the next day there was no smudge and then the cycle was over.

And it all kind of settled in then, the sadness for my loss. So much sadness.

We did an HSG and my left tube is hosed. Which is also sad. There is nothing to be done for it. It could have been in spasm, but since that is where my egg implanted it’s not likely. The HSG itself was just…ugh.
This is pretty much my cervix when it comes to anyone needing to poke at it:

And it was difficult. I had to pull my knees up to my chest and contort while they poked and poked and poked. Finally they got it, it was up super high facing back AND to the side. Hiding. They had to pull it down with the tenaculum (google defines that as a surgical clamp with sharp motherfucking hooks in it. I may have added a word there….)
But I managed to not fart while being literally in the yoga pose to make you fart and they got it done. And as evidence of how many fucks I don’t give at this point, I didn’t even know there was a guy in the room the whole time. The guy behind the screen doing something with the controls for the xray machine. Oh well.

So then we did all my preconception labs again. My AMH is about the same, my estrogen was lower than expected for PCOS, but nothing said that I am in perimenopause. So since those were OK I finally decided to have the draw for the Counsyl genetic screen kit done and send it off. I can’t remember anyone in my family having anything genetic. I figured I’d send it off and nothing too major would pop up and away we would go.

Nope.

Of course it’s not that easy. I carry the gene for Congenital Defect Glycosylation type 1A. It’s like the shit jackpot. An enzyme processing disorder, profound developmental problems, infant death from multiple organ failure, stroke or seizure like episodes, etc. There is no treatment,¬† babies who are mildly affected are the ones I just described, babies who are severely affected are stillborn. We met with the genetic counselor. The Man’s blood was drawn and sent off and we are waiting for the genotyping on the 16th chromosome pair to now if he is a carrier or not. In the meantime, we wait and this cycle is now on day 49 with no egg on the horizon for me. Last cycle was natural and I ovulated.

In the meantime, we have begun the process of becoming foster parents so that we can adopt from the foster system. We went to a meeting, we sent in our survey, and we just got the application in the mail last week.

We are ready to be parents and it doesn’t really matter how we get there.

Advertisements

Dammit

So the first thing that clued me in to being knocked up was that I was suddenly hot. Like boiling hot. All the time. I mean like go to fetch some groceries and be in full on dripping sweat in 5 minutes. It took a month after the pregnancy ended for that symptom to simmer the hell down.

I ovulated this week. And now I’m hot again. Just the progesterone, I know, but I don’t want to be hot hot hot. Well, I mean I can deal if it means pregnancy, but aside from that. it’s so annoying.

Well, this sucks.

I have cramps with a vengeance and it’s a new cycle for me. I have the worst acne breakout that I have had in over 20 years. I have like 3 pimples on my back, too. BACKNE.

I am cranky and weepy and bitchy. Mostly I’m in pain and can’t take anything because my liver is a total shit. Which is ridiculous, because I am tee-total and have been for about 18 years! And when I did drink I had about 2 drinks a year. A YEAR. And this is how that fucker treats me? Whatever.

I have errands to run, but I feel too shitty and gross right now. I averted a crisis by finding some slightly freezer burned tater tots in the freezer. They are sweet potato tots, but whatevs, I’m gonna make tot-chos out of them anyway.

So here is the plan for cycle 16: tomorrow I begin letrozole for days 3-7, every other day sexins shall commence, peeing on all the OPKS, then I have a midcycle ultrasound that will cost me $500 shiny goddamn dollars. And if the follicles look OK? HCG trigger shot, which is new for me, so far the letrozole has released the bowling ball sized follicles on its own. After temps confirm that I dropped the egg I do 14 days of progesterone suppositories. There it is, the plan for the cycle. All the cray cray and lack of spontaneity that it takes.

The waiting game.

I’m in the TWW, 6DPO and feeling warm again. And my boobs kinda hurt. I’m still temping in the morning and it’s been pretty decent and steady. I did not have breast tenderness last cycle, it could just be from the bobble in the meds for the hyperprolactinemia. Except that if I had too much prolactin I would not have ovulated on meds, let alone by myself. So. That’s what is going on.

And I am having  major hair shed from the hormonal roller coaster. So I went and got a few inches cut off today to help hide the loss. Adulting. Like a motherfucker.

….and then this happened.

When my RE gave us the green light to try again even this cycle he asked if I would like to start Letrozole that day, the bleeding was just beginning to trail off (random TMI I didn’t realize that a miscarriage can take days. That was educational.).
Because my prolactin can shut down my ovaries and I stopped the cabergoline the day I had a positive test I was concerned that it may have crept up a bit and could interfere with meds.

So we decided to just see what happens naturally and I would call on day 40-ish if nothing happened. I used to ovulate on my own like clockwork. Then I went on nortriptyline for depression and anxiety, and I will stay on it throughout a pregnancy, the benefits far outweigh the risks but it interferes with my cycle. So when I went off the pill, no ovulation. But last fall after a medicated cycle, I did ovulate on my own four more cycles in a row again. So I figured I had a 50/50 shot at it this cycle from the residual hormones and the fertility boost that a loss can cause.

So of course, I got positive ovulation tests this week and since last night it has felt like my ovaries are having a fist fight with my cervix. With the PCOS I can get positive tests and then nothing happens. I have never had this pain and not had an egg bust out, though. And this is painful enough that it feels like a medicated cycle, but it is definitely not. Sitting down hurts my cervix, not sharply, but it hurts. It began building last night and today it’s fairly strong. It should begin to taper off tomorrow. I would expect to see a temperature rise tomorrow or Monday.

And it is early for me, I am usually a day 17-19 kind of lady. This is about day 14 going by the beginning of the miscarriage. Early enough that my husband even commented that it seemed early to him. Which prompted me to ask if he was actually beginning to know my cycle. He said no, it just seemed early after the whole…debacle.

So who knows, maybe we’ll catch another egg. Maybe I just settle into a cycle on my own again. I am apprehensive about testing again in a few weeks. And then if we get a positive, I know I will hardly be able to breathe until we see a heartbeat.

The final verdict

I spoke with my RE today and both doctors (his colleague did the ultrasound on Monday, the docs do the ultrasounds at my clinic so you get interpretation instantly) agree it was an ectopic miscarriage, but that my body shutting it down is a good thing and it happened so early that recovery is much easier for the body. Monday and Tuesday were rough, but Wednesday was only vaguely crampy at times and yesterday and today have been the tiniest amounts of spotting

And that there is no need to wait if we feel ready to start trying again. I think we may feel ready. It’s not that we aren’t crushed, we are. But I don’t know, it just seems like maybe we are ready to crack on.

So I was pregnant.

And now I’m not. And it fucking sucks.

Based on my warm temps, I took a test on June 17. And then another on the 18th. And then three HCG tests on the 18th, 20th, and 22nd and my level was doubling. And we began doing the things to take care of me and the bean: setting up appointments, learning to use insulin since my blood glucose control went to hell while pregnant. And we began to be hopeful, it stuck for a week! I could feel things beginning to happen!

And then Friday I had some spotting. And then Saturday I had some more. And on Sunday it stopped. and then started again in the afternoon and I was starting to have some pretty bad cramps. I called the RE on Saturday and they said to sit tight and try to breathe. I knew there was nothing they could do.

Monday morning it was pretty clear that it wasn’t going to be OK, I called them back and they had me come in for a scan on Monday afternoon. The doctor told me that these things happen, that the only thing we would be able to see was a sac at this stage. I was 5 weeks and 5 days. It was an incredibly painful ultrasound because he had to really dig the probe in to get a good view of my left ovary.

There was no sac at all in my uterus. There was possibly the remains of one near my left ovary. Obviously, there was no more pregnancy. Which he explained as nicely as possible while my husband and I just sat there in shock. We were told to go straight to the hospital for some labs to see what my HCG was to determine what to do. It wasn’t obvious if we could wait and see, if I needed to take methotrexate to end it, or if surgery was going to be needed.

The past 18 months of my life have been focused on getting pregnant. Waiting to see something on the ultrasound that wasn’t another ovarian cyst. The second I saw the sac all I could think was “Get it out of me.”

We had a terrible 90 minute wait for the lab to call me back. I had to sit in public for 90 minutes with a miscarriage in progress while some dim bitch kept going on about her doctor ordering stat labs. They almost took her before me and I informed them that my labs were also emergency and I was beginning to bleed heavily. I honestly sat there and cried for the last 30 minutes. I couldn’t stop it.

We got the blood results back in an incredibly short amount of time, possibly before we got home from the hospital, which is only 10 minutes away. My HCG was at 8. Wherever the egg had implanted, my body was definitely taking care of it, which was the best possible news we could have had.

Today has been tougher physically, a lot of cramping and passing the tissues, which they warned me about. My husband worked from home today in case I needed help or got too dizzy or anything. And, of course, he is just as shattered as I am right now. He has had just as much of a loss. We have been married for 18 years this fall, he has never seen me cry as much as I did yesterday. And he just held me and cried with me.