Hurdles

So the HCG trigger did indeed give my ovary a nudge. I set the follicle free on Friday,  a good three days earlier than I would normally in a medicated cycle.

So now it’s down to the one week wait. I didn’t test the HCG out daily, I gave it a test a few days ago and it was still coming up positive. So who knows? I am being pretty loosey-goosey with all things fertility right now. Temping, and doing progesterone pods, but not meditating daily, not doing yoga (which I do actually want to do, I need to get on that)and just kinda seeing what happens.

And things have moved on the adoption front as well. We have moved from applying to be foster parents to now being licensed. Our application has been accepted and now it all gets moving. The home study begins in just under two weeks. We will have so many things to fix and to buy and organize and OH MY GOD.

They might let me be somebody’s mom!

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Gimme a break.

I can’t keep going at this pace. Tracking everything. Double checking everything. Obsessing about every bite of food that I put in my mouth. Hating my body for not cooperating with my brain.

I have to take a break. Maybe remember what it’s like to have sex like a normal person instead of every other day for weeks on end waiting for that stupid egg to show up. Not pee on a stick (and my hand) 5 times a day.  Take an advil when I have terrible joint pain from my lazy fuck of a thyroid gland instead of sucking it up and hurting for days. Sleep in if I feel like it instead of waking up at 7 to take my temperature. Have a latte with real caffeine.

I need to remember what it’s like to not have my entire world revolve around trying to have a baby. Because I have to keep the cheese on my cracker no matter what. I know the clock is ticking. But I am back in therapy for OCD. I cry a lot. Almost daily. I can’t sleep and when I do, I have nightmares. I need to back off and breathe.

blink blink blink

Still having blinking smiley bastards on the digital OPKs.Last night on a Wandfo cheapie, I may have had my first hint of color this cycle. It’s day 16. I would be happy to ovulate late if that is what is going to happen. This is why I use both kinds of OPKs. I never get a true positive on the cheapies. I don’t hold my pee long enough to get concentrated enough, but I can see when LH begins to rise and I know what is about as dark as I am going to get.

I had a rough therapy session yesterday.  I cried a lot about how I feel like a failure. It hurts.

Hey, this isn’t about crying.

Yet. I mean,  felt a bit wibbly earlier, but it passed for now. Maybe.

I still haven’t gotten the solid smiley bastard, but I had a temp jump to just under the cover line this morning and have some other signs and my cheapie OPKs are still looking dark (not as dark as the control line, they never do for me) and they usually fade pretty damn quick after I ovulate. Probably good it’s a weekend.

I finished a pair of socks last night. They make me happy. I need to cast on a new pair ASAP.

jaywalkers 4

So, this is hilarious

Just so you know, I use a secret code on my blog that you may need to go to Alan Turing-esque lengths to decipher. Basically when I say “So, this is hilarious” or something similar what I actually mean “Can you fucking believe this bullshit?!” There, no need to build a hangar sized decoding machine.

My egg was wrong. I was 7 days past my period being due so my GP suggested a quantitative HCG test at a checkup on Friday. I knew I was not, my temps fell below my coverline days before. But, there was still an obvious shift to above that coverline in the first place.And I was having my titers for mumps and measles checked, so while they were already drawing blood I figured, why the hell not?  My HCG was .2. LOLZFOREVER*
So, no egg this cycle at all.

Tuesday is CD40. I have a prolactin and thyroid recheck in 2 weeks-ish. I would be close to starting the new cycle and would get the results back in enough time to decide to do another medicated/monitored cycle.

My 41st birthday is in a week. No pressure, right?
Fuck, this sucks.
I have fucking awesome immunity, so there is that.

*LOLZFOREVER really means that the sobbing will probably commence 25 seconds after my husband leaves for work in the morning.

If you are here for the boobs, it’s not that kind of blog.

SO….I may be hormonal. My first clue was my boobs have been angry for 8 days. 8 FUCKING DAYS. Seriously, doing gentle yoga made my boobs hurt. My fertility chart is not suggestive of pregnancy OR my period, so I don’t know. Boobs of anger. I has them.

I took my angry tits on a field trip tonight to knitting group and I am working on a sock on very small needles. They are size 0. They are made out of carbon fiber, they are supposedly unbreakable and very fancy and cool. So I was doing 2×2 ribbing and lamenting a mistake and how knitting makes me unable to count to two and that my row ended up like “one, two, one, two, one, two, three, one, two, one…fuck” And some wiseass man appeared and started saying “knit one purl two”
and I turned and said “These are made out of space shuttle shit. I will cut you.”
He seemed taken aback.