….and then this happened.

When my RE gave us the green light to try again even this cycle he asked if I would like to start Letrozole that day, the bleeding was just beginning to trail off (random TMI I didn’t realize that a miscarriage can take days. That was educational.).
Because my prolactin can shut down my ovaries and I stopped the cabergoline the day I had a positive test I was concerned that it may have crept up a bit and could interfere with meds.

So we decided to just see what happens naturally and I would call on day 40-ish if nothing happened. I used to ovulate on my own like clockwork. Then I went on nortriptyline for depression and anxiety, and I will stay on it throughout a pregnancy, the benefits far outweigh the risks but it interferes with my cycle. So when I went off the pill, no ovulation. But last fall after a medicated cycle, I did ovulate on my own four more cycles in a row again. So I figured I had a 50/50 shot at it this cycle from the residual hormones and the fertility boost that a loss can cause.

So of course, I got positive ovulation tests this week and since last night it has felt like my ovaries are having a fist fight with my cervix. With the PCOS I can get positive tests and then nothing happens. I have never had this pain and not had an egg bust out, though. And this is painful enough that it feels like a medicated cycle, but it is definitely not. Sitting down hurts my cervix, not sharply, but it hurts. It began building last night and today it’s fairly strong. It should begin to taper off tomorrow. I would expect to see a temperature rise tomorrow or Monday.

And it is early for me, I am usually a day 17-19 kind of lady. This is about day 14 going by the beginning of the miscarriage. Early enough that my husband even commented that it seemed early to him. Which prompted me to ask if he was actually beginning to know my cycle. He said no, it just seemed early after the whole…debacle.

So who knows, maybe we’ll catch another egg. Maybe I just settle into a cycle on my own again. I am apprehensive about testing again in a few weeks. And then if we get a positive, I know I will hardly be able to breathe until we see a heartbeat.

Little sad bits.

Today I got the first of the explanation of benefits for my pregnancy confirming HCG tests. There will be one more and then two miscarriage confirming tests to be billed.I knew they were coming, I didn’t know I was still quite as raw as I apparently am.

When I saw my endocrinologist at the end of June he was the first one to tell me when my due date was going to be.
The day after my birthday.

The final verdict

I spoke with my RE today and both doctors (his colleague did the ultrasound on Monday, the docs do the ultrasounds at my clinic so you get interpretation instantly) agree it was an ectopic miscarriage, but that my body shutting it down is a good thing and it happened so early that recovery is much easier for the body. Monday and Tuesday were rough, but Wednesday was only vaguely crampy at times and yesterday and today have been the tiniest amounts of spotting

And that there is no need to wait if we feel ready to start trying again. I think we may feel ready. It’s not that we aren’t crushed, we are. But I don’t know, it just seems like maybe we are ready to crack on.

So I was pregnant.

And now I’m not. And it fucking sucks.

Based on my warm temps, I took a test on June 17. And then another on the 18th. And then three HCG tests on the 18th, 20th, and 22nd and my level was doubling. And we began doing the things to take care of me and the bean: setting up appointments, learning to use insulin since my blood glucose control went to hell while pregnant. And we began to be hopeful, it stuck for a week! I could feel things beginning to happen!

And then Friday I had some spotting. And then Saturday I had some more. And on Sunday it stopped. and then started again in the afternoon and I was starting to have some pretty bad cramps. I called the RE on Saturday and they said to sit tight and try to breathe. I knew there was nothing they could do.

Monday morning it was pretty clear that it wasn’t going to be OK, I called them back and they had me come in for a scan on Monday afternoon. The doctor told me that these things happen, that the only thing we would be able to see was a sac at this stage. I was 5 weeks and 5 days. It was an incredibly painful ultrasound because he had to really dig the probe in to get a good view of my left ovary.

There was no sac at all in my uterus. There was possibly the remains of one near my left ovary. Obviously, there was no more pregnancy. Which he explained as nicely as possible while my husband and I just sat there in shock. We were told to go straight to the hospital for some labs to see what my HCG was to determine what to do. It wasn’t obvious if we could wait and see, if I needed to take methotrexate to end it, or if surgery was going to be needed.

The past 18 months of my life have been focused on getting pregnant. Waiting to see something on the ultrasound that wasn’t another ovarian cyst. The second I saw the sac all I could think was “Get it out of me.”

We had a terrible 90 minute wait for the lab to call me back. I had to sit in public for 90 minutes with a miscarriage in progress while some dim bitch kept going on about her doctor ordering stat labs. They almost took her before me and I informed them that my labs were also emergency and I was beginning to bleed heavily. I honestly sat there and cried for the last 30 minutes. I couldn’t stop it.

We got the blood results back in an incredibly short amount of time, possibly before we got home from the hospital, which is only 10 minutes away. My HCG was at 8. Wherever the egg had implanted, my body was definitely taking care of it, which was the best possible news we could have had.

Today has been tougher physically, a lot of cramping and passing the tissues, which they warned me about. My husband worked from home today in case I needed help or got too dizzy or anything. And, of course, he is just as shattered as I am right now. He has had just as much of a loss. We have been married for 18 years this fall, he has never seen me cry as much as I did yesterday. And he just held me and cried with me.

I’m feelin’ hot, hot, hot

Literally.

My basal body temp is up over a degree from my general follicular phase. And the past two afternoons I felt so warm I took my temp. It’s been 100.4 both days. Now it has warmed up here finally, but the AC is on in the house and it’s not that warm! It’s not warm enough to make me run a fever. And I feel OK so I don’t think I am getting sick.

Hopefully this means a good strong ovulation. I am using progsterone support again, but even using it last month, my temps were never this high. Weird.

There are no catchy songs about eggs.

But I got one. I got a peak on the OPK on Wednesday night after acupuncture. Thursday my left ovary hurt like a bitch and a half. Thursday evening my right one decided to join in. Friday I was achy all day day and Saturday my temp jumped from 97.7 to 98.4.

Oh.

No usual fallback on Sunday and today was the third temp to confirm that I popped out an egg. Well, OK then. I started the progesterone pods this morning and the waiting begins.

So needless to say I’m at odds and ends

So, I am at the point in my cycle where I am gearing up to drop the egg, this generally happens between day 16-19 for me and it’s day 15. So, just waiting.

And in completely different news, my favorite band has gotten back together for one new album and a tour. It’s a-ha. I have been a fan since forever, like 5th or 6th grade. I am currently obsessed with them (not in a scary way!) and thanks to the internets, now have all of their albums. The hubs and I were driving somewhere last night and I asked him if we could go see them if they came to the US (please please please). And he was totally agreeable, he kind of likes them, too. And then I said “Oh my god, what if I get knocked up and am too pregnant to go? I would be SO PISSED at that baby! I’m kidding. Mostly.”

Then he said we could name the baby Morten, boy or girl. Yeah um..no.

I could not make this shit up.

Today is my last day of letrozole, I can feel it working in my ovaries because they feel warm as usual. I have some bone and muscle pain which isn’t my favorite, but will simmer down as the week goes on.

And then, there are the hot flushes. It happens, usually at the end of the treatment. Today it happened while I was sitting in my therapist’s waiting room. And suddenly, I was a red-faced sweaty mess. I grabbed a magazine to fan my face a bit and it was….Fit Pregnancy.
Of course it was.

Once more into the fray….

I had a thyroid check on Sunday and my TSH is finally down to “gettin’ knocked up” range.at 1.6. My prolactin is in the normal range. I just had a very long luteal phase thanks to progesterone support. We decided to go with this momentum and do another round of letrozole.

And I will be working on better self care to not get as stressed out and frazzled, and accepting that it’s rough on me and not trying to fight it so hard. So, more yoga, more knitting, more sewing, more spinning wool. Less focus on every twinge or gas bubble, less googling, and hopefully less OCD-ing of the entire process.

And the game is over.

Shark week has commenced.

So I spent 15 minutes sitting on the toilet crying my heart out, because it’s too hard to stand up and pull your jeans up when you are crying too hard to breathe. So I finally manage it and then the fucking doorbell rings. And it’s AT&T here to fix the downed wire in our back yard. And it is very obvious that I am crying.

And we both ignore it.

I forgot to warn him about the whackjob squirrel living in my garbage buggy.

The progesterone seemed to get me a 17 day luteal phase, so there is that.