So….I took a big break. Partly, I needed it, and also, I got a new laptop and was too lazy to transfer all my crap. I suspect that also is because I needed the break.
My cycle in December wasn’t successful. So the positive tests I had toward the end must have been residual HCG from the trigger shot. I realized it was another failure when I fell apart when I saw that David Bowie had died. I was a fan, he is pretty much the patron saint for weird 14 year old kids, right? He was amazing. But I wasn’t a fall apart and ugly cry over a celebrity fan. But as I sobbed my heart out I realized it was more than the news. It was my period knocking on the door.
And there it was. Two years. We gave it hell. We threw piles of money at it. My heart broke a dozen times. I’m not good at getting or being pregnant. My eggs aren’t fresh. And my 42nd birthday was coming right at me. I realized I was done. I have no more fight left in me to pee on sticks, take pills that make my bones ache and make me cry, analyze my charts, have more tests…just every last fucking bit of it. Done.
So I told the husband. I can’t do this. I can’t handle another loss. I don’t have the emotional resources, I don’t think I ever will. And however our adventure with fostering turns out, springing a surprise high-risk pregnancy on a traumatized kid isn’t OK with us. I don’t want to be that woman who adopts a child and is instantly pregnant, because my reality is that it will be complicated with my situation. Our kid or kids will need everything we have. He was 100% on board with all of it, he would have been willing to keep trying but he also saw how hard it was on me both emotionally and physically. So I went back on the pill, with PCOS there is no way I would rely on NFP for preventing. Nope. And frankly, I don’t want to hassle with all of that since there won’t be a point in my future where I have to adjust to stopping the pill to try and get pregnant again. I’m done. We will explore permanence later kind of done.
My due date came and went in February. And it was sad. I felt sad. And once that was behind me, I was more ready to open myself up to the possibilities before us. We moved all of my sewing gear out of the other bedroom on this floor of the house. We bought a convertible crib. We got a dresser from craig’s list that was way too big for the car and the guy was nice enough to deliver. We really prepared a place for a little one to stay in our home. We did 9 hours of pre-placement training. We did our one-on-one interviews. We hired someone to install new hand rails on our stairs. I have scrounged clearance sales and we have one outfit for every size in our age range all washed and tucked away in labeled bins ready to be needed. I have become part of the magical never ending cycle of baby and kid gear that is passed around
Now we wait for the licensing specialist to write up our home study and hope to be licensed by summer. And anything could happen after that.