And the stars looked very different that day

So….I took a big break. Partly, I needed it, and also, I got a new laptop and was too lazy to transfer all my crap. I suspect that also is because I needed the break.

My cycle in December wasn’t successful. So the positive tests I had toward the end must have been residual HCG from the trigger shot. I realized it was another failure when I fell apart when I saw that David Bowie had died. I was a fan,  he is pretty much the patron saint for weird 14 year old kids, right? He was amazing. But I wasn’t a fall apart and ugly cry over a celebrity fan. But as I sobbed my heart out I realized it was more than the news. It was my period knocking on the door.

And there it was. Two years. We gave it hell. We threw piles of money at it. My heart broke a dozen times.  I’m not good at getting or being pregnant. My eggs aren’t fresh. And my 42nd birthday was coming right at me. I realized I was done. I have no more fight left in me to pee on sticks, take pills that make my bones ache and make me cry, analyze my charts, have more tests…just every last fucking bit of it. Done.

So I told the husband. I can’t do this. I can’t handle another loss. I don’t have the emotional resources, I don’t think I ever will. And however our adventure with fostering turns out, springing a surprise high-risk pregnancy  on a traumatized kid isn’t OK with us. I don’t want to be that woman who adopts a child and is instantly pregnant, because my reality is that it will be complicated with my situation. Our kid or kids will need everything we have. He was 100% on board with all of it, he would have been willing to keep trying but he also saw how hard it was on me both emotionally and physically. So I went back on the pill, with PCOS there is no way I would rely on NFP for preventing. Nope. And frankly, I don’t want to hassle with all of that since there won’t be a point in my future where I have to adjust to stopping the pill to try and get pregnant again. I’m done. We will explore permanence later kind of done.

My due date came and went in February. And it was sad. I felt sad. And once that was behind me, I was more ready to open myself up to the possibilities before us. We moved all of my sewing gear out of the other bedroom on this floor of the house. We bought a convertible crib. We got a dresser from craig’s list that was way too big for the car and the guy was nice enough to deliver. We really prepared a place for a little one to stay in our home. We did 9 hours of pre-placement training. We did our one-on-one interviews. We hired someone to install new hand rails on our stairs. I have scrounged clearance sales and we have one outfit for every size in our age range all washed and tucked away in labeled bins ready to be needed. I have become part of the magical never ending cycle of baby and kid gear that is passed around

Now we wait for the licensing specialist to write up our home study and hope to be licensed by summer. And anything could happen after that.


6 thoughts on “And the stars looked very different that day

  1. Good for you for taking care of yourself. I hope you’ll continue to share your foster journey. I think you’re setting yourselves up to be amazing foster parents.

  2. Jenn (jenn2014) says:

    I’m so freaking happy to see a post from you! I check here all the time and always hope you’re doing well. We are almost done with our home study interviews (paperwork all turned in) and should be in “the pool” (aka available to be chosen for adoption) by summer too…should be June if everything goes according to plan. Whew, what a whirlwind of paperwork that was, eh? Are you interested, by any chance, in an ongoing buddy thread in the Adoption section over there? I could start one if so. It may just be you and I but it would be nice to BS about some of this stuff with someone else who is going through it. Either way, I’m glad to hear you’re doing well and moving along in your new journey! Super excited for you. You’re going to be a great mom! I mean, you like Bowie, so duh. 🙂

  3. Tasha says:

    And so begins a new journey. And however it happens, having you and Jeff as parents will be a lovely thing.

  4. Sperm says:

    I’m so glad you updated, I always check to see if you’ve posted when I go on ovusoft. Wishing you all the best. I’m sorry it didn’t turn out the way you had hoped but I’m also glad that your emotional roller coaster is slowing down.

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