Apparently I needed a break.

I was fine. Until I wasn’t fine.
We had good timing in October, coinciding with our 18th wedding anniversary. And then I swear there was a smudge on a wondfo test. My temps were the highest they have been, my luteal phase was nice and long. I was really hopeful. And then the next day there was no smudge and then the cycle was over.

And it all kind of settled in then, the sadness for my loss. So much sadness.

We did an HSG and my left tube is hosed. Which is also sad. There is nothing to be done for it. It could have been in spasm, but since that is where my egg implanted it’s not likely. The HSG itself was just…ugh.
This is pretty much my cervix when it comes to anyone needing to poke at it:

And it was difficult. I had to pull my knees up to my chest and contort while they poked and poked and poked. Finally they got it, it was up super high facing back AND to the side. Hiding. They had to pull it down with the tenaculum (google defines that as a surgical clamp with sharp motherfucking hooks in it. I may have added a word there….)
But I managed to not fart while being literally in the yoga pose to make you fart and they got it done. And as evidence of how many fucks I don’t give at this point, I didn’t even know there was a guy in the room the whole time. The guy behind the screen doing something with the controls for the xray machine. Oh well.

So then we did all my preconception labs again. My AMH is about the same, my estrogen was lower than expected for PCOS, but nothing said that I am in perimenopause. So since those were OK I finally decided to have the draw for the Counsyl genetic screen kit done and send it off. I can’t remember anyone in my family having anything genetic. I figured I’d send it off and nothing too major would pop up and away we would go.

Nope.

Of course it’s not that easy. I carry the gene for Congenital Defect Glycosylation type 1A. It’s like the shit jackpot. An enzyme processing disorder, profound developmental problems, infant death from multiple organ failure, stroke or seizure like episodes, etc. There is no treatment,  babies who are mildly affected are the ones I just described, babies who are severely affected are stillborn. We met with the genetic counselor. The Man’s blood was drawn and sent off and we are waiting for the genotyping on the 16th chromosome pair to now if he is a carrier or not. In the meantime, we wait and this cycle is now on day 49 with no egg on the horizon for me. Last cycle was natural and I ovulated.

In the meantime, we have begun the process of becoming foster parents so that we can adopt from the foster system. We went to a meeting, we sent in our survey, and we just got the application in the mail last week.

We are ready to be parents and it doesn’t really matter how we get there.

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2 thoughts on “Apparently I needed a break.

  1. Jenn (jenn2014) says:

    Hey Lady! I’m really sorry to hear about the constant string of bad news. It’s heartbreaking and I can commiserate. We finally followed up with a RE and essentially I’m shut down for business, perimenopause at age 36. My FSH, AFC and AMH were really, really, really bad. Plus tubes are blocked so we can’t even try the good ol’ fashion way while pursuing other options. We’re beginning adoption processes too! It’s going to be a brutal process, so I would love to keep in touch going through this process, either on the forums (maybe we can start a new buddy group), or somewhere else. Good luck on your journey, something will work out for you guys to grow your fam!

  2. Awww, man. I’m sorry.
    And yes, we have to stay in touch, this adoption stuff is not for the faint of heart! But, it feels right to us.

    We will know in about a week if the hubs is a carrier. If he is, we are so done with TTC. Like probably something permanent to shut it down kind of done.

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